Harry Potter and the Most Random Fic Ever
by magicalslacker
Summary: Something I created during a sugar high. I swear it has a plot. Harry and friends are in their sixth year at Hogwarts. They encounter frisky gnomes, new students, a "special" class, and an overactive bladder. I swear it's better than it sounds.
1. Let the madness unleash

_Harry Potter and the Most Random Fic Ever _

Narrator (a.k.a me): Hello, and thank you for taking the time out of your busy schedule to read this piece of crap. Before I begin this "story", I would like to introduce myself and the storyline. First, my name is Chr- …………..ummmmm….Nikki (changed for social reasons). I'm going to be in and out of the story line. Enough about me, lets talk about the story. It will start off with Harry arriving at the Burrow, before the start of sixth year. Harry got kicked out of the Dursley's for overdosing the family cat with Imodium A-D.

**WARNING!**

I WAS EXTREMELY BORED WHEN I STARTED THIS! IF YOU ARE OFFENDED BY CRUDE HUMOR, OR JUST CAN'T TAKE A FREAKING JOKE, DO NOT TURN THE PAGE!

**ON WITH THE STORY!!!!**

**CHAPTER ONE**

(Harry arrives at the Burrow two days before school before school begins. When he arrives, he walks up and before he knocks on the door, it swings open.)

Ron: Harry! (they give each other slaps on the back) Long time no see!

Harry: We just saw each other five days ago.

Ron: Whatever!

Narrator(aka me, aka Chr- I mean Nikki): Harry picks up his bags an-

Harry: Hey! Who the hell are you?!!

Narrator : I'm Chr- DAMN!! I mean Nikki, I'm going to be narrating the story you guys are in.

Ron and Harry: We're in a story?!?!

Nikki the Narrator: Yes! Now shut up, and do something illegal!!!

(Ron and Harry decide not to ask questions)

Nikki the Unstoppable: The sun sets, and Harry and the Weasleys are sitting down to a peaceful dinner, when the doorbell rings.

Harry: Ron, why does your doorbell play "Hott in Here"?

Ron: Mum loves that damn song.

Mrs. Weasley: (singing) "………its gettin' hot in here, so take off all your clothes.."

(The twins start to take their shirts off, but Mrs. Weasley slaps them before they accomplish it……thank goodness)

Harry: I'll get it!!(stands up, and rushes to the door, dashing Mrs. Weasley's pelvic thrusts. Ron quickly does the same.)

Nikki the Emperor(sp?): Who could be at the door? (raises voice) What could they want? How did they get here? Will this bring a strange, and uncomfortable twist to the story? WHY IS THAT DAMN SONG STILL PLAYING?!?!?!

(Harry opens the door)

Nikki the 22nd Wonder of the world: (voice still raised) IT'S- IT'S- HARRY WILL YOU MOVE OUT OF THE FREAKING WAY?!?!?!!!

(Harry moves very quickly)

Nikki the disapointed(sp?): IT'S- oh, (dully) it's just Hermione.

Hermione: Harry! (hugs) R- ugh.

Random dude: Regected!

Nikki the random: (pops up out of no where) AHA! I have discovered a twist! (brings out cupid's arrows) Nothing like a good teenage love triangle to bring this story out of the dark ages! BWAHAHAHA!! (evil laugh)

Hermione: (confused) Who's that??

Ron and Harry: Don't ask.

(Nikki takes out the arrows, and hits Ron and Harry. Then in utter confusion, the arrows bounces off Ron's fat head, and nails a gnome.)

Harry and Ron: (starstruck) Hey Hermione, I've just fallen hopelessly in love with you. Let's go make out in the back of the Ford Anglia.

Hermione: Oka-……….umm,(eyes get very wide) I mean (cough) of course not.(she then dashes up stairs, as red as a bad sunburn)

Gnome: Hey sexy, ya wanna see what little men can do when they-

Nikki the uncomfortable: Okay that's enough! (Covers the gnome's mouth)

Mrs.W: Who was that?(silence)………….Harry…….Ron………HARRY! RON!

(They both snap out of it)

Ron: Sorry mum. Harry and me have just fallen in love Hermione,(gnome coughs) oh yeah and the gnome, now we're going too spend the rest of the story back-stabbing each other to win her affection. Right Harry?

Harry: (stupidly) Huh?

Nikki(ran out of semi-creative names): Harry wasn't paying attention, because he was watching the gnome dance to "Hottt In Here".

Harry: Oh yeah, sounds good.

bedtime arrives

Nikki: It's bedtime at the Burrow, and Harry and Ron settle into bed, discussing the start of the year tomorrow.

Harry: I can't wait unt- How did you get in here?!?!?

(I realize he was shouting at me)

Nikki: Oh, I'm everywhere you are honey.

Ron: Let's go to bed Harry, I'm feeling akward again.

Harry: (yawns) WARNING: Gay Moment!

Sweet dreams Ron.

Ron: Sweet dreams Harry.

Nikki: Guys, that was gay.


	2. A plot well maybe later

**Chapter 2**

Nikki: The boys wake up the next morning to the sounds of Mrs. Weasley's voice from behind the door.

Mrs. Weasley: (sweetly) Wake up boys, it's the first day of school.

(sleepy grunts)

Mrs. W: (still sweetly) Come on boys, you don't want to be late for school.

(more sleepy grunts)

Mrs. W: (a little annoyed) Boys………

(snores)

Mrs. W: ………..

(more snores)

Mrs. W: GET THE HELL OUT OF BED!!!!!!

Nikki: (drinking chocolate milk) The boys are enjoying a nice breakfast when in walks Hermione wearing a miniskirt.

(gasps from the audience)

(Nikki suddenly realizes what she just said and spits out her chocolate milk)

(Harry starts choking on his eggs, Ron drops his toast and his jaw,somewhere a wedding ceremony stops and a mother-in-law screams in horror.)

Hermione: What?!

(blank stares)

Hermione: What's wrong?!

(Nikki makes a cough that sounds oddly like "slut")

SLAP!!

(Harry and Ron decide not to say anything)

Nikki: (holding an ice pack to her face) The trio packs into the car Hermione got for her birthday. This year Harry was going to drive them to the train station. Earlier, Hermione changed out of the skirt that made her look like a—

(Hermione glares at her)

Nikki: -- _nice person._

Ron: This is so awesome! We get go by ourselves! I love this independent thing.

Harry: (closes the trunk) Well, I think that's it. Everybody got everything?

Ron: Oh! I think I forgot the cond—

(Harry and Hermione look around in surprise.)

Ron: Er- I- I mean…..um….t-the c-cond-(his voice creaks) c-_condiments._

Harry and Herms: Sure.

Hermy: I call shotgun!!

Nikki: (horrified) Shotgun?! Where?!

Hermione: I mean the front seat.

Nikki: (relieved) Sorry, it's a Mexican thing.

Harry: Okay! Let's hit the road!

Nikki: Harry starts the car, then hears a bumping noise.

Harry: What's that bumping noise?

Ron: I think it's coming from outside Hermione's door.

Hermione: Ugh!

Harry and Ron: What is it?

Hermione: It's that horny gnome!

Ron: Harry, hit the gas!

SCREECH!!

Distant Gnome Voice: (singing) _I'm too sexy for my lawn, too sexy for my grass, to sexy for my fer-ti-lizer……………………………_

_PERIOD OF SILENCE_

Nikki: The trio are ten miles down the road when Hermione needs to go to the bathroom.

Hermione: I need to go to the bathroom.

Harry: We just left the house!

Hermione: I HAVE TO GO NOW!!

(Harry pulls over at the gas station.)

5 miles later

Herms: I got to go again.

Harry: BUT Y—

Herms: (evil glares)

10 miles later

Hermione: I gotta go.

7 miles later

Nikki: By the time they reach the train station Hermione had gone to the bathroom 52 times. The trio go through Platform 9 ¾ , and board the Hogwarts Express.

Ron: Aha! The last empty compartment!

Hermione: Ew! It's gross in here!

Harry: Well, if you didn't have the bladder of a water chesnut, maybe we would have gotten here quicker, and we could've gotten a nicer compartment.

Hermione: Hey! When a girl's gotta go, a girl's gotta go!

Harry: Well, a girl doesn't "gotta go" that much.

Nikki: Hey, hey! Settle down guys. It's all fun and games untill someone loses a uterus.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione: (confused) What?

Ron:(to Harry) Do we even have a uterus?

Harry:(confused) I don't know?

Hermione: (slaps her forehead) Merlin! This is going to be a long year.


	3. Still no plot

**Chapter 3!**

(The Hogwarts Express arrives at Hogwarts castle on a surprisingly clear night.)

Nikki: Our three heroes climb off the Hogwarts train, and-….wait a minute…where's Ron?

Herms: He disappeared when he went to go change his clothes.

Nikki: Minutes pass, but still no sign of Ron. (raises voice) Did an evil death eater take hold of him? (gets louder) Did he get eaten by a live dragon? (people start to look and be frightened by Nikki) WILL HARRY BE ABLE TO SAVE HIM!

(At that moment Ron steps out of the train looking disheveled…followed by the old candy-cart lady, who looked equally disheveled…which is very awkward)

Nikki, Harry, Hermione:…

Ron: (looking confused) What?

(The whole crowd looks at Ron with disgusted expressions. Professor McGonagall steps out of the crowd.)

McGonagall: (disappointed) Come now Mr. Weasley.

Nikki: The students settle down in the Great Hall. Ron comes back and sits next to Harry. Harry and Hermione give Ron more awkward looks. Poor dude.

Ron: (hysterical) What!

Harry and Hermione: (sighs) Nothing.

Dumbledore: Welcome to another year at Hogwarts! I hope you have all learned from a particular student that it is never a good idea to display- well, to- doanythingyouwouldregretespeciallywithaMUCHolderpersonthanyourselves. Whew!

Ron: (laughing) Ha! Who was that idiot! Haha!

Harry and Hermione: (roll eyes) Oh dear.

Dumbledore: Now, let the sorting begin!

Sorting Hat: Hey! Hold on you old bag! Don't I get to sing my friggin' song?

Dumbledore: (glaring) Well, yes, proceed.

Sorting Hat: (clears throat) Eh hem.

_Welcome to another year,_

_I hope you brats are ready._

_For this one is going to be full of fear,_

_So keep your morals steady._

Drop the beat DJ.

(A random DJ appears out of nowhere, and he drops a phat beat. The Sorting Hat starts dancing.)

_When Death Eaters try ta get at you,_

_Curse it like it's hooottt, curse it like it's hooottt, curse it like it's hooottt_

_When Voldy wants to kill you,_

_Curse it like it's hooottt, curse it like it's hooottt, curse it like it's hooottt_

_If Draco starts hatin',_

_Curse it like it's hooottt, curse it like it's hooottt, curse it like it's hooottt_

_I got magic on my mind, and Ron's rollin' some flyin' car, and Harry don't give a censored 'cause he's got it goin' on._

_Hooooooooooooooooooooooogwarts_

(The song is greeted by a long silence.)

Harry: (muttering to Ron and Hermione) What do I have going on?

Dumbledore: Uh…thank you for that…lovely song.

Sorting Hat: Fo' shizzle!

(The sorting begins.)

McGonagall: Alvin, Paul!

Sorting MC: Hufflepuff!

Hufflepuffs: Yay!

McGonagall: Burtin, Holly!

Sorting MC: Ravenclaw!

Ravenclaws: Yay!

McGonagall: Kerry, John!

Sorting MC: Democrat!

Democrats: Yay!

Author's Note: Sorry about the _extremely_ long update, it's summer now, and I have alot more free time. Please, please review, it keeps me going!

Disclaimer: Just to be sure I don't own anything HP or Snoop Dog's "Drop it Like it's Hot." So don't sue me.


End file.
